[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
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Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.