tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
You Might Also Like
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?