Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
You Might Also Like
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Social Media and Real life
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.