medusa but her hair is an anaconda
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*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.