What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
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LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
A ghost story
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.