We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
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a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird