The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I only say stupid things when I talk.
are there any atheist mantises?
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious