Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
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COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries