You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
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Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
never deleting this app.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale