[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
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kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.