My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
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i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I hope Alan is OK
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Seems a bit forward
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.