Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
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All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock