Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
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Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please