“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
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Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE