They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
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When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password