My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
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If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Have a lovely day 😊
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Bloody internet 😳
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave