Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
You Might Also Like
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
reviewed some movies recently
There are usually two types of merchants.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.