I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
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They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Never forget.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
men are simple creatures
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af