doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
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good morning
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.