I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
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Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums