GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
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Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.