Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
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I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
The sacred texts.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.