My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
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“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.