That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
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Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all