Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
You Might Also Like
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats