I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
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Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit