I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
You Might Also Like
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
cat vs inanimate object
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
No way!
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.