Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
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i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever