Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
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I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked