Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
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AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.