Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
You Might Also Like
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.