[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*