Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
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At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.