He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
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me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?