Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
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My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.