A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
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Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Wise advice
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
definitely did not do anything wrong