Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
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funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.