[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
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10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
The internet is full of many things
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”