[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
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you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Not even remotely sorry.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.