I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
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Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
The glockness monster
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
X-tra spooky blend
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Unexpected Judgment
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants