Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
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Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell