[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
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Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I hope they boil the right one.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy