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[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
when nothing goes right… go left
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far