I am laughing way too hard at this.
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Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
The news in a nutshell.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.