*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
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If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I falcon love using swear birds
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins