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My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”