If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
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if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Genius idea!!
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Life hack
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.