Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
How to draw a duck
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.