there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
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ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
bro what is going on at twitter
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart