I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
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I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
#DesignFail
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*